SE O MAA TAN ARA E JE?

I have wilfully chosen the topic in the native language of my primary audience. Whoever can understand the topic without aid should pay a special attention. I need your two hears and the conscious mind. There are still very many things that cultures and Islamic religion agree upon but anglo-christian modernity still finds very conservative and barbaric. One of such things is polygamy and that conservativeness is most prominent among the Yorubas.

The Yorubas are perhaps the most reverted natives from their Islamic background into neo-colonialist philosophies and value systems of the Christians. History favours the Yoruba as predominantly Muslims, first and foremost. Alubarika (blessings), Adua (prayers), suna (naming ceremony), sakaani (territory) etc are daily used as Yoruba dictions but are originally from Arabic words. Most, if not all indigenous traditional kings in Yoruba lands have central mosques built within or near their palaces.

The Yorubas are traditionally polygamous but this marriage style is being condemned with the rising influence of the modern Christian civilization. Men have to swear to an oath in a registry never ever to marry again. Some take it too far. They consider it an outright taboo. No situation can warrant a second marriage. A widow or widower, no matter his/her youthfulness, must permanently resume into his/her former life as a single or say, bachelorhood or spinsterhood! What is more to argue the impracticability of such wild doctrines than its serial violations even among its prime custodians?

When any willing family man honourably confides in his family, friends or in-laws of his ambition to take another wife, they remind him of the problems in polygamous home. They scare him to the heaven. No one sees prospect in his reasons for considering that option. How many every other man would have preferred to take a concubine and engage in extra marital affair under the deceptive pseudo-monogamous system? And how much of condemnations does the society lash at hundreds of men cheating on their wives?

What have we not seen? Extra-marital affair has taken on the garb of a normalcy and a way of life among us. The trust that your spouse can not have an affair with strangers is no longer there. Then who is anyone deceiving with wedding rings? Muslims should do away with an alien practice that has repeatedly proven to be a scam. You vehemently condemn genuine intention for polygamy. Your sentiments suggest that you prefer extra-marital affairs. Where is your sense of fair judgement to several women (known or unknown to one another) involved in these machandise of shame? And if you think men seeking an option of polygamy are not being fair to their wives, how else do you think a wild creature of desires like men can legitimately satisfy their sexual needs?

Would they have been fair to their wives if they have to do it sinfully as virtually one of them prefer to do? Which other ways can a married man fulfil his sexual needs with another woman other than polygamy. To close the door to polygamy is to open a door of adultery. No doubt, this exposes a sacred institution of marriage to corruption and abuse as we have it. We are in a society that prefers pretence than frankness. A generation that prioritize lies, cheats and deception over sincerity, truth and reality. A society where every man may have to result into DNA tests to proof the paternity of their biological children. It is so bad. Dad versus househelps because madam do not want another woman; madams versus drivers because dad is no longer interested because he is unhappy with madams. The Muslims must decide and take the path of guidance prescribed by their Lord or the path of licentiousness, corruption  and confusions that modernity is agitating for. E ye tan ra yin je.

It is a society where polygamy is not seen as a remedy to the infidelity wrecking monogamous homes because men cannot express their genuine intentions to relate with more women in a formal and legitimate relationship. Polygamy is not seen as a viable alternative to divorce for spouses troubled by some complex marital problems such as infertility. Polygamy is not appreciated as a way to make in-laws with the less privileged families to reduce poverty and spread wealth.  It is not seen as a response to decongest the society of the growing population of unmarried marriageable women. It is not seen as a window for a woman once loved and cared for before she suddenly lost her husband to be loved again.

Rather than a problem, polygamy is a solution to unfaithfulness of men in matrimony. It is a good arrestor for implosions of sexual abuse in the society. Islam frowns at sex without marriage. It prescribes death for the married who are guilty of such acts. As a balance and objective scheme, it approves polygamy as an option, not a rule or compulsion. Hence, there is no excuse to go about and sexually abuse the mothers, wives, daughters and sisters of others and in so doing, cheat on your wife, abuse the sanctity of marriage and defile the moral fabric of the society. Islam, a religion from the Most Wise, also put the limits at four women at a time blocking excesses and irresponsibilities.

It is sad people are talking about rape and silent about sexual infidelity among men and women already in marriage. This attitude happens to my chagrin as if sex is no crime as long as there is mutual agreement between the ‘game players’. In Islam, every sex is a crime except by marriage. Whether without consent (or in forceful mode known as rape) or done mutually, adultery and fornication constitute the greatest threats to humanity. It is all zina. God Almighty call it ‘an evil way’. Death for the married and hundred lashes of flogging to the unmarried are the prescribed punishments. Were these laws applicable without the strictest condition of witnesses placed by islam, there would have been more married men and women buried under the earth than those deserved to live on it.

Among the Yorubas, polygamy is seen as war, violence, trouble and ultimately death! If you also incline to such a thing as polygamy cannot be a solution but a problem. So my question: Se o maa tan ara e je? The mystery of ile olorogun has been woven into our psyches like suku hairstyle on the head of a new bride. We have watched so many films acted by the agents of this lethal ideology. If there is a problem with polygamous home, it is not the institution. It is the parties involved. Marriage typically, even the default setting of one-man-one-woman is not free of occasional domestic disputes and disagreements. In several instances, monogamous homes have broken many more times than polygamous homes. It is all functions of God consciousness, maturity, resources, wisdom, fairness and morality of the role players.   

However, there are some over-enthusiasts. All about their lives is to encourage a man to marry another wife because they see him making fortunes. He must have enough means to maintain multiple wives! They are less bothered about the nature of the man and situation of his home. They have no consideration for his wisdom, patience and capacity to manage fragile vessels like women. Women are good conspirators. That conspiracy is amplified when they are in marital tussles of rivalry and jealousy. There is usually a competition for attentions, cares and love of the husbands among co-wives. In all these, a weak man can be confused if not consumed. No doubt, financial ability is critical to manage polygamy but what qualifies a man for it goes beyond just that. It is an advanced system. It is not a project to abuse a man because he is hesitating to do so. You may not just be giving a wrong counsel, you may be sending a ballistic missile to destroy his home. You have no idea of how his family runs. Why must you choose to pressurize anyone to marry another woman? When does he become a compulsion? A desire to opt for polygamy is a choice to be made personally.  If a home is destroyed by your pressure, would you be there to make amend? O je ma tan ara e je. Joko jee.

And men who make covenants with their lone wives that they would never attempt polygamy. I can only wish that you get to your senses very fast or wake up from your dream. You appear to be under the hallucination of modern poisons or you are too immature to be a husband. Facts and experience has shown that many in your category have ended up being polygamous than those who are actually indifferent about it but do not rule out the possibility in the future. Time and event change. When that changes catch up with people like you in marriage, you end up violating the childish promises you have made to your wives. You may not be enthusiastic about marrying another wife. Polygamy is a choice and cannot be for everyone. Not even everyone is qualified for it or would eventually be able to do it. What I do not know is why you have to swear an oath that you will never marry a second wife. I trust women. Your wife would never forget. She would eventually remind you and draw the dragon with you from that point onward. Se o maa tan ara e je?

And you who is happy that your husband is not talking about polygamy. You seem not to care if he makes affairs with other women. All your concern is that you are the only one he is formally wedded to. Pele oo, the ring bearer! Se o maa tan ara e je bayii? Or you are the type your husband has been so caring and faithful to that you never prepare for the day he would present his proposal to add a wife. You never give it a thought. You say it can never happen! I laugh hysterically. You think he has been a different man all the way. He does not flirt around and would stick to only you till death. My father did that (may Allah forgive him) but not all can do so. Polygamy or infidelity has been the only two options but you do not want either. You are getting older and complaining about regular intimacy. It is no longer sweet or desirable. You do not even wish for more children. Your husband is still agile, active and loving to procreate more. Se o maa tan ara e je bayii?

I would asked to you prefer your mind and hold your peace. Continue to be dutiful as a good wife and leave the matters of the future to Allah who you serve most diligently. Because you fail to prepare your mind, that moment would come like a heavy shock. Then you will start to be violent to thwart his ambitions of another wife. An effort that I equate to floging a dead horse if your husband is truly a man. You will start a dangerous career to destroy your own home. You are taking a wrong counsel that would make you an outcast in a family and matrimony you have nursed for years. You have been a pious and devoted woman all your life in the marriage with a man you love whole-heartedly. Because the same man is truthful and respect you to have declared his intention to marry again, shaitan tells you he is going to be a different man. You begin to misbehave, disrespect and disobey! Se o maa tan ara e je bayii?

Oh! You are the next woman another woman’s husband seek to marry. Rather than respect her for nurturing and maintaining a man for such a long period till you could be lucky to find him worthy a husband, you want to abuse a privilege. You should be appreciative. You are expected to come with hands of friendship with the households and the senior housewives. How much can you go without putting yourselves in her shoes and recognise her sacrifice and tolerance? No woman loves their man shared with any other. It is a natural instinct and you know it. Then you are vowing to rival, outshine and if possible displace her. Se o maa tan ara e je? Whoever desires to destroy a built home would find none to live.

Finally to an absurdity of a man who threatens his wife at every instant of disagreements that he would marry another wife, you are the types that make polygamy never work. People like you are the reason why women place their men on curses. They wish that they never have enough resources or enablement to actualize their dreams. You are the reason they see polygamy as a battle and suffering rather than mutual collaboration, complements and supports. Your own version of polygamy is to abandon a wife for another. You condemn your wives at any slight mistake and follow that with a vow to bring another woman soonest. Have you an angel among the women such that the one you are boasting heaven and earth about is faultless? Because your lustful sights has fallen unto another woman outside, you complain and find fault with the one with whom you started your first experience in marriage. You want to retire her because she has children of only one genders! What a ridiculous proposal? Men like you are not qualified for polygamy. You cannot fulfill its conditions of equity and justice. Polygamy is no meat for oppressors and irresponsible ones.

You have suddenly forgotten the sacrifices she made for you. You are an ingrate. And ingrate cannot be just among multiple wives. Such recklessness is part of the reasons polygamy is condemned and seen as a barbaric culture. Under men of your kind, polygamous home is an abode of conflicts, war and unhealthy rivals because from the onset you have created enmity between wives before they ever come together. Your intentions are not sincere. You have married to terrorise or favour one over the other. You make them misbehave and turn them rebels after being known as pious devoted women. Se o maa tan ara e je bayii?

A Godly scheme of every woman to a husband cannot be jettisoned for deception of a man for every woman. Do not be the reasons why there is so much negative noise about polygamy. Ma tan ra e je. You shall give accounts.