In my last article with this title, I encouraged ladies not to mistaken money for love and love for money. I extolled the virtue of not rejecting a marriage proposal of an ambitious, religious and well-behaved suitors on account of their pocket's light-weight. You can also read it here, if you are yet to. https://uncleyat.blogspot.com/2020/06/the-marriage-of-greed.html. That article got me different feedback from readers across the world. From the side of the women, most are of the opinions that the majority of men do not deserve such considerations.
They do not appreciate the patience and understanding of their women during their time of struggle let alone reward these wives for their sacrifices when they eventually come out even. Rather they marry a new wife and start oppressing their first true love. An afternoon or evening bride is allowed to ride over the one with whom they started early in the morning their journey of a happy home.
Naturally, the trees that started bearing fruits when the land was a desert is getting old and withering. Which kind of a man cut off supplies, maintenance and attention from such a benefactor and focus mainly on the fresh green plants growing when the soil is now fertile?
There is a difference between a woman that a man loves and that one that loves him. Most often than not, a woman who agrees to marry a man when he has nothing is the one that truly loves him. In contrast, the one he proposes after fortune has started smiling on him is the one he loves. Of course he loves both to have proposed a marriage. However, one of them has more reasons to accept than the other. Ability of a man to give her the best provision and maintenance is the first consideration of a lady, especially today's girls. This was my proponent in the reference write up.
There is poverty everywhere. So, many ladies and their families look up to marriage as the only escape route. The man-must-pay is a dangerous philosophy in the contemporary marriage arrangement. This why brideprice are becoming heavenly high and the attached rituals are becoming difficult.
Consequently, there is delay in marriage. Meanwhile, since nature abhors vacuum, campus couple, infinite courtship life, rape and mutual consent to silent zina are the trending illegitimate alternatives. Today, when the parents advise, nay, warn their young ladies: 'look well before you choose a man', they hardly mean anything other than his financial capacity regardless of any other factor. Some will even add, to be more clearer in their instruction: 'óò ní je gbèsè óò (meaning you will not run at loss) giving impression that marriage is equal to a business trade.
Indeed marriage is a business. However, it is a business that is not centrally based on only money as a medium of transaction. Ironically, one can still run at a loss in the business of marriage even if the couples live in a stinking affluence.What gain has marriage brought to a couple who were both from wealthy Muslim families when the wife was condemned to death in a court of law after killing her husband? Allah protect us.
Money matters in marriage, no doubt. A poor man can hardly claim to have a wife, let alone children or home. However, the major ingredient of a lasting and successful marriage is the moral character as well as religious practice and understanding. When these are lacking, the marriage business has no profit. It is 100% at loss. This what the advice of the messenger of Allah on marriage implied. Sadly, we are in a time Muslim ladies marry non-Muslims, musicians, yahoo-boys etc. because they have money. In fact, there are marriages between couples who have everything except love!
Strange enough, a woman marries a man that she does not love!! A marriage to money, power, fame and influence!!! Tell me a celebrity of a bad boy without a spouse. In-laws and brides who have inner eyes to see the future of a man are no longer popular. It is like marriage, unlike in the age of our fore parents, is no longer for men of ambition but ready-made achievers. So it takes a lot of hard decisions for a woman to declare for a poor man who can barely fulfill her needs materially. Every woman loves gold. It is in their nature. They are made for it.
It is 'love' to say yes to a proposal of a man who is only optimistic about his future and when what seemingly appeals to such a lady is his ambition, sincere struggle, character, good family and religion. Such women must have experienced pressures from parents and pains from her peers. So, it is unfortunate men do not know the difference between loving a wife and appreciating another. The one you love most among wives may not necessarily be the one that loves you most. You sacrifice all for the one you love most while the one that loves you sacrifice all for you.
As you show the former your love, you should show the latter your appreciation. Do not mix it. Love is a thing of mind. No man can control where it swings. Appreciation is an habit and character. You can develop it. I remind you of a story of one exemplary man of virtue you are probably familiar with. He had one wife before who loved him with all her heart and supported him but she was late. Then, he had a new bride who he loved belovedly. May Allah be pleased with the husband and the wives.
Aisha was the name of the new bride. Khadijah was the first and the deceased one. Muhammad, the messenger of Allah was their husband. The loving and amiable husband was asked: who do you love most among people? 'Aisha' he replied declaring where his heart was without shy, fear or favour. The questioner asked again: who next? 'Her father', he declared. The one from whom he married the wife beloved to him.
This response was unique. Why her father and not simply Abubakr, the name of Aisha's father?
It was a double declaration of love for Aisha. No husband could have a better way to publicly express love for his wife. Aisha was so lucky. Which other way can any wife have an open assurance of love from her hubby than this? She should be proud. And indeed, she was.
And now about the late wife:
The Prophet of Islam (ص) used to talk about Khadijah quite often after her demise, so much so that his youngest wife, Aisha daughter of Abu Bakr, felt extremely jealous and said to him, "... But she was only an old woman with red eyes, and Allah has compensated you with a better and younger wife (meaning herself)." This caused him (ص) to be very indignant, so he said, "No, indeed; He has not compensated me with someone better than her. She believed in me when all others disbelieved; she held me truthful when others called me a liar; she sheltered me when others abandoned me; she comforted me when others shunned me; and Allah granted me children by her while depriving me of children by other women."
The above summarizes my point. Love your wife the one you love. Appreciate your wife the one who deserves your appreciation. That lady, now Umu Fulaan who began the journey with you when no one could have accepted to go along. That your first love who parted with her money so you can fulfill certain obligations when you were poor. That protective device of a spouse who would cover your ass with the in-laws making excuses on your behalf. That beautiful woman, although now getting old, who was insulted as wretched and hopeless because she loved you. She gave herself to you cheaply even though her worth is huge and her bride price should have made you run miles or sent you into an hard labour.
O men! Let your wife reap the fruit of their labour although only Allah can pay in full. Allah dislikes the ingrate who forget favours from others. Whoever does not appreciate a man cannot appreciate Allah. Appreciate your spouses. Reciprocate the good. Polygamy is your right but should not be their crucifixion. Let not any woman takes their place, regardless the flame of your love for them. Some monogamists are also guilty. They are known for abusing and insulting their spouses publicly. They call them ingrate, feeding them words like no slave even deserves and throwing them provisions like to say they were famishing dogs.
The messenger of Allah never forgot the good of Khadijah. Long after death, he would still send gifts to her friends. These friends did nothing spectacular. It was in honour and appreciation of khadijah as the first love and the supporting one.
Those who fought before the conquest are not the same with those who fought after it although all of them have their virtues. The women who have come with us weathering storms all the way deserve thank you by words and actions. Men! I hope we would all change.
May Allah rectify us all, bless our marriage and the homes of the Muslims.
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